Hmmm, I started to nod and agree, but then the Second Thoughts came.
Does “I’m full” actually mean “I want to go and play/ see what my friend is doing”?
Does “I want a to wear my massive coat” come at a time when it is hot enough to fry an egg on the pavement?
Does always listening to children encourage them to listen to their needs, or does it encourage them to listen to their “inner monkey” and fulfill their immediate desires?
I agree that it is great to encourage people to understand themselves from a young age, but we also need to help them understand the world they live in and the benefits of resilience. To pay attention to what is really important, like going to the loo before you wet yourself not 5 more mins playing. Sometimes they need encouragement to listen to their bodies, and prompting is a useful tool to help develop that.
As for being amazing at drawing? All kids are! I love children’s drawings. Drawing is one of the many things that improves with practice. Doesn’t positive encouragement help more than negative comments?
My thoughts:
It’s so true that young children are “in the moment.”
Yes, “I’m full” can mean “I want to go play.” But do we answer, “You’re not full,” or could we answer, “If you’re hungry, this is a good time to eat. We won’t have food again until the next meal.” Certainly “I want to wear my massive coat” can be a bad idea. But do we answer, “No you don’t, it’s a hundred degrees outside” or could we say, “I’ll bring a bag in case you change your mind” or “Let’s step outside and see how that feels. Ooh, I’m pretty warm already. You?”
To me, the latter examples do more to help kids understand the world or teach resiliency, because they’re not handed the answer. Bonus: We haven’t insinuated that they’re morons. Also, is the coat really that big a deal? (Make discipline easier on yourself | Zero to Five) Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. Whatever the issue, we can set limits while still acknowledging what our kids want.
I agree that we may need to prompt kids to listen to their bodies. Especially when it comes to that darn potty! (I’ve been there: How to get your kids to listen to you | Zero to Five. Heck, I’m still there.) It’s more the way we phrase it, which so often assumes bad intentions. Or that of course they must want what we want. (Joke: “Sweater: What you wear when your mother is cold.”)
Maybe the drawing example was too subtle, but I was thinking of a child saying, “I’m horrible at drawing!!” and the adult overriding the child’s feeling with “No no noooo, that’s not true!” Instead we can simply acknowledge: “That didn’t turn out the way you wanted” and gently encourage trying again. This definitely takes practice. But it’s an empathetic response that is more likely to lead to trying again. (Why some kids try harder | Zero to Five)
Should children always get their way? I hope my post didn’t come off as saying that! A big part of our job as parents is, yes, to set important limits. I just think we parents could give more thoughtful consideration to what is truly important.
With an eye toward ways in which we may be, unintentionally, undermining our children’s strong sense of self.
Get Language of Listening: THE missing step in positive parenting
Written by
Tracy Cutchlow
Tracy is the author of the international bestseller Zero to Five: 70 Essential Parenting Tips Based on Science, a public speaker, and a creator of places to speak and be heard. Sign up for her newsletter here.
I love this. I have a 20 month old son and feel like it’s a constant struggle to get people to see the difference between forcing him to do what they want, when they want, versus respecting that he’s a human with thoughts, feelings, and opinions. Any other recommendations for doing this with a younger toddler? And getting others to do the same?